Today.
Today I went to church. Pastor was extremely glad to see me again. I feel so good. Im just new here and pastor has invited me to his house, with the other leaders, for good, real good food and movie. I wouldnt think that people would really give a damn about me there, cos they know that im here for only 6 months, and would on and off, travel, and so my church attendance is really really really low. But Pastor was so hospitable to me. He expressed how much he wish I could stay. He really love Asians, and he chose to live in Thailand for 8 years. I spent 5 years in my church in Singapore, and no pastor ever even initiated to talk to me.
I was really worried about my party that night. Cos its the first time I organised a party and hosting one. I know that I changed the dates once, so most people probably forgot about the event. And it is true. I topped up my phone, and texted Nerea, Carmen, Valentina, Moe. Only Valentina and Moe replied, but they did not turn up. Cos they forgot about the event and were too busy. In the evening, online, I read that Thomas cldnt come, cos he had to go Stockholm with his gf, and Chase said he wasnt attending. Then Ludek dropped a bomb, by saying that he had to rush his report last minute, but he could drop by to pass me the shaver for my hair. So I thought "That's it. Whatever, I cant cancel the party last min, and even if only 1 or 2 person turned up, I will put in my best effort to host them". Even Ganesh MIA-ed, till I called him.
I was just glooming over my laptop. I could not study. It really needs some emotional push. And here, I just couldnt get it. Away from friends and family, it feels like I cant find an intuitive reason to study. I just could not make myself sit down and mug. I gloomed over the man utd VS everton match. Then my phone rang, and it was a number I did not store. I picked it up. It took me a long time to understand. "Who are u?" It sounded like "France" So I went: France? France? Then I realised, it was "Hans". What do you know. The last person I invited turned out to be the first person that arrived. So I said "its the tallest building beside Rema. And then u take the lift up to the highest floor, turn right, press the door bell. But, no one's here yet. So..." (And in my mind, I was thinking.. will anyone ever be here? poor Hans.) I was preparing the table and chairs in the balcony. And had my expensive Norwegian chocolate laid out, the biscuits, and the orange juice. The next door bell that rang, I was expecting Ganseh. Then I opened, and was a little surprised, but really glad and relieved to see Anne, Anna, and Peter. So now we have 4. Plus me thats 5. In psychology, we learn that the ideal size for group cohesion was 5-7. So it was good. They were impressed with the view, but then as Anne rightly pointed out, the sunset could not be seen from the balcony. It was blocked by the wall. And well, as she cruelly pointed out (I expected it from the her already), that was bad planning by me, esp since I wrote on fb that there would be sunset. And it was kinda cold today, cos of the wind. And today was, in general, unfortunately cold. Then Ganesh came, and I was asking for table, and chair. Well, it would be better to ask my China neighbour really. But then I didnt want to bother him so much, cos Im not close to him, but he helped me so much already.
Im so glad that I managed to tidy my horrible room so quickly today, dumping all my dirty clothes, managing to dry them last minute. All the dirty clothes and socks from Italy (have not washed for 2-3 weeks stinking stuff) Cos they wanted to come into my room. And in my room, they talked. I was so glad, bcos the last time Anne and Peter visited my old room, it was completely messed up. Completely and stinking. This time, it was sparkling clean :). And Im glad Hans is here. Sometimes, God makes u meet someone last minute, and he turns out so well for your party. They had beer, chips and they loved my chocolate. They had so much fun, choosing which to eat on my luxurious and exotic looking chocolate. And its kinda cool, cos the top of the box has explanations and descriptions of the chocolates. So we were having some fun with it. Of cos I could not understand Norwegian, but they can.
The chocolate I bought (aftermath). At the top, you can see the description of the different types, and what it contains.
Then I offered them pizza. And Anna helped to cook it in the oven. Its nice, bcos the group of us sticks together. You know the averge party are full of scattered groups, you get sian of this group, u go to the next one. It gets kind of shallow and dry and drained at the end when u go home. When Anna and I went into the kitchen, 10 seconds later, the rest followed into the kitchen. So it feels close. Like a group. A real group. Then we chatted in the kitchen, waiting for the pizza. And, as people always think that I am super poor, I just dont like to spend too much money on myself alone. But I really really do enjoy spending money on other people, and making others happy around me. It makes me super happy. So pizza, chocolate, juice, on me. I dont even think about the cost. In fact, I bought so much more pizza for them. But they only had one.
And I opened my parcel :)) THANK YOU!! (More of the parcel and me, in subsequent posts I promise!)
The topics we chat. As usual, I was trying to catch 70% of them. Cos they have their jargons and terms which I could not understand. Just as when me and Ganesh chatted, they were really quiet, cos they find it so hard to understand the Asian accent and jargon. Even though its english. But then the one, the MOST interesting one, at least to me, but they were so entertained as well, was my neighbour.
Let me introduce to you my horrible neighbour, in this perfectly clean stretch of rooms. Was a german girl, by the name of Nora. She's obsessively clean. She scolds everyone for not being clean. And she hates it when I have guests. And among the neighbours, I have the most guests. My guests were complaining about her, that she entered the kitchen, and looked at them with the "WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN MY KITCHEN" stare. Well, I told them not to give a shit about her, bcos I dont give a shit about her as well. She knocks on my door, and I completely ignores it. I only talk to her in front of guests, so as not to make things hard for my guests. And I showed them all around the kitchen, and toilet, and bathroom all the notes that she writes. And we were laughing and laughing over it. I dont even care if she heard that we are talking about her.
Everyone notice this:
Nora writes in the bathroom -
"B4 u leave, pls check: Hair removed, windows open, radiator off, (and a whole bunch of other stuff)...
(here comes the highlight).. IF not, fungus grows, and... GLOBAL WARMING"
How ridiculous can this german neighbour get. Global Warming. Wow. Well, for once Im glad I have this neighbour. Bcos the party at my house was so spiced up laughing over her "global warming" note. She's so desperate to get this house perfectly clean, she even resorts to using "global warming" as a reason why we should clean our house.
Anne "John, u should write something funny in ur house. Like 'please leave the refrigerator door OPEN, just to piss her off"
Me "I would, b4 I move out for good. I'll just write over her notes. Like Global Warming --> Haha, you are a complete Joke".
Ganesh left early, citing he needs to reply a mail. I realised b4 that, he wasnt enjoying the party so much, bcos it was my group of friends which he didnt know. So, perhaps, he was also reluctant to share his curry with us, although he's reason was that he added extra spice and that the europeans would not be able to take it. And he added extra spice, bcos he thought it was a Singaporean party. Well. I trust him, so give him a benefit of doubt. Nevertheless, since when I actually had Sg friends here. Like real friends. And I think, it would be pointless to organise a Singaporean party, bcos I can do that in Singapore. A better one in Singapore, with closer friends.
See on my wall, I stick the cards that you guys made for me :). And introduced you guys to them :).
Then, Ludek came, dropped by the shaver, and chatted w Anne. He was asking for Anne. If she's there, I'll go up and chat w her, he says. I wasnt surprised. Everyone lusts after her. Cos she's damn pretty, and hot, and intellectual. But then, I cant be bothered really. No playing politics, jealousy, childish friendship stuff for me here. Im just here to enjoy people, and have a good time. No strings attached. And just to make life easy for myself. (Well, I tend not to make it easy, but overloading myself with activities, like organising a party during my psychology exam period. And all the guests are political science students whose exams are 1 month later. But then, I enjoy it really.)
At night, at my room, they finally saw some sunset, and took some pictures. After the sun has set, it was pink clouds with blue sky. But the one that I was really glad, was that Anna attempted to cut my hair for me. Which was what I wanted, and God answered. Although I kinda hoped they can shave my hair behind for me, cos I cant see behind. But it was really nice of her, and I cant ask for more. The results were completely bad, but I really appreciated the effort. It brings people closer, doing things like that, cutting one another's hair. In my room.
Ludek spends 400Kr (almost 100 sing) on a hair cutting box. Looks more like a safe, with all the special haircut tools, but all he wants and does, is shave his hair completely bald.
With a beer bottle at the top right corner, and a scissors in her hand, you need to pray.
There in the top right hand corner, is the card that you guys wrote me. I had everything that you guys made for me sticking on the wall :)). (And notice the right side of the picture, that's Ludek's haircut box. Looks damn professional)
That concludes the day. Great party. I loved it. :D.
It was not the typical western booze and random chat party. I expected it that way, it didnt turn out to be so, but I am way glad that it turned out completely differently.
Well. almost concludes the day. After the left, I was left with garbage to throw. And I quarrelled with my congo black neighbour. I am not one to enter into an argument quick, and make sure I collect the facts well. This one is so damn obvious. The congo neighbour did not do his job of clearing the rubbish. I was pissed, cos now I had no space to throw the beer bottles. The China neighbour agreed with me, and we tried to talk sense into the Congo neighbour. But then, the China neighbour gave up, and it was not his business anyway. I was left to quarrel with the congo neighbour alone. He kept using the fact that I was travelling to put the blame on me that I had not been doing house cleaning, and that he had done me a favour. (WOW, he turned himself from a devil into an Angel!) OF cos, he was just plain lazy, and tried to find some excuse. I DID NOT exchange my duty with him. Im doing the China neighbour's week to make up for my absent week. Its so dumb. He admitted that he forgot to clear the rubbish, then said that every cleaning he did, he did it for me to help me, so I should clear the rubbish instead. what rubbish indeed. You would not find me raising my voice, but this time, I really really did. Loud. With my finger in his face. Sometimes, people come up with ridiculous reason, and insists on it, and then put ridiculous blame on you, for his mistake, and you need the garbage cleared, you really really have no other choice, but to RAISE YOUR VOICE and finger in his bloody black face. IT IS ONE THING TO ADMIT UR MISTAKE. IT IS ANOTHER THING TO ADMIT IT, AND THEN PUT THE MISTAKE ON YOU. COS THAT WOULD MEAN HE'S PUTTING DOUBLE BLAME ON YOU. if you can understand. rather, its one thing to blame me from the start. Do not say u made a mistake, but ur mistake was made bcos of my mistake. fuck you black boy. Im not racist. I swear Im not. I attend a church full of Africans, and I enjoy them.
I hate my neighbour.
In the end, I realised that his black brain is too stubborn to give in. And I said I will clear the garbage. And I lowered my voice. So I decided to try another method, make friends with him, and offer him chips (which he gladly takes, which shows how cheap he is, eating my chips, while quarrelling and putting nonsense blame on me, and eating my chips). Ok, I soften my voice, speak to him in an extremely nice manner, so nice, you will never see this side of me I swear. So nice, that if you are smart enough, you'll probably soon realise its completely fake and you would be manipulated if you believe. I did that once in the army in sembawang airbase, to get my ass out of trouble. It worked. This time, it didnt. He still refuse to throw the rubbish. I said I would throw. Then the China guy said its obvious its his job. So I knocked on his door again, and acted stupid. "Erm. Just a question, since Im new here. Like cos the China guy said u are suppose to throw, so im really confused, can you, oh experienced and smart congo guy, please enlighten me". He got pissed, but he cant be pissed with me since I said it so nicely. So he said "You know what, enough of you. Just leave it at the door. I'll throw it tmr. Just 2 mins walk down and throw and u cant do that"
Me: "Well, that's really nice of you. And yes, if its only 2 mins walk down and throw, it seems like you can do it just as well as I can. I wonder why push it to me. But u're a great guy"
Fuck. While being nice, I inserted so much subtle jabs in my sentences, he must be an idiot not to realise. But then, culturally differences, it would be hard to realise for him. Esp since he's dumb. Can u believe it, he still dont know my name. I gave him a superficial hug, shook his hands several times. With my neighbours, I have no choice, but to play the politics game.
Damn it. In Europe, I learnt, handshakes and hugs are free, superficial, and easy. Just a few instance, when it's really really real, with a few close friends, you can feel it. And that felt so good & warm.
I feel justified being a hypocrite to get myself out of this mess. Like I did, in the last 2 months of NS. At that time, I tried every method, right methods, to make things right, but everything was unfairly against me. And I needed to get things done. So I tried it. It worked. Now, it worked as well. And since I couldnt care about my neighbour, I cant be bothered putting on a mask to them. They dont know me, never knew me, never bothered. I gave nothing of myself to them, and I would leave them soon, forever, so I guess, its a blessing, that all they know about me, is a mask that I wear in front of them. And I am glad, that since I dont like them, they will never get a chance to know me. All they would ever rmb of me, is a mask that I wear in front of them. And I am happy not sharing myself, with people out of make life hard for me. Of cos, I avoid them as much as possible. Can you believe it, I open my door, see them walking around, and I close my door shut. Not so much of guilt of showing a masked self (it actually takes alot of effort and rehearsal), but to avoid irritating confrontation of "u should this, u should that," Everyday. Gosh.
This afternoon, I think back. My old house, was noisy, and noisy. But the people actually talk to one another, and party together. I moved out, to save money and to have a peaceful time. I do think to myself, at the moment when I was about to move out, that I would sacrifice some good friends for peace and money saved, and better facilities. But then, when I moved out, I actually wanted to go back. I knew that, whichever my new place would be, it would definitely be quieter, better facilities, but the people might not gel as well. I mean, in my old house, they kinda hate me as well, but, it was a different kind of hate. There was conflict, they bitch about me, I know it, but we learn to compromise and learn to live together. We hate each other, but we endure and cognitive dissonance theory would tell u that this would make u like each other more. It is true. Cos once, my old house had a party, I was invited to it, they welcomed me with such joy and love. They actually missed me like shit, and did many things for me, and took tons of pictures of me. Martha even carried me on her back, cos my leg was painful. And even the czech girl, tessa, who hated me then, added me on fb and took tons of pictures of me when I returned. Now in this new place, cheaper, better facilities, quiet. but you have to follow all these rules of the house, its irritating. Everyone's hostile and no one talks to one another. Though, I dont want to go into whether it was a right thing to do to move out of the old noisy party place, where I could not even sleep well. There's nothing I can do now. Just few more weeks. Done with 2 papers, and Im going UK to visit Heather, Sanjay, Sanjiv, maybe Kelvin, Scotland, and hopefully see Man U vs Arsenal. Then back for 1 more week to take another paper, then my contract ends. Great. Maybe crash Ganesh's room for a while or Pastor's house (which wld be more ideal, cos his house is da bomb. And he has a guest room and guest bed). Then visit Sandra in Switzerland, and Anna in Finland, Ludek in Prague. I'll definitely cut the number of cities im gonna visit in Europe. Especially in France and Spain. Cos France and Spain is very poor, dirty country which doesnt speak English, like Italy.
Dont ask me to blog about Italy. I'll tell u in person. Italy is best forgotten. Though it was a learning experince. As pastor said to me "u learn most when u travel alone" I think so. In short, Italians are worse than 3rd world country people. In Italy, u see relics of Christ everywhere. Jesus on the cross, churches everywhere. Everyone's catholic. The whole country is catholic. The Vatican City is there. But the country is messed up. No one gives a shit about God. No one is God-fearing. No one honours God in their heart. They are babarians, uncivilised, liars. They pee on MRT escalators (I SAW IT MYSELF). Everywhere smells of urine and shit. Venice's water is fucking dirty, I didnt even want to pay for the boat ride. Italy is disgusting, far worse than Indonesia and Thailand. 95% of the time, life in Italy sucks. It was terribly hard. I quarrelled with Italian service people. They are racists, and they obviously admit it. I asked them "You told me 10mins was a rule. You gave the Americans 20mins. Why". The service women did not even look back at me. Eventually, I said "well, u have a problem with colour. I'll tell u what. Im not going anywhere with this luggage. Obviously the 10mins rule was your own. You are unable to show me on paper, proof that this rule exist. I have read other rules on paper, but not this one. And anyway, it doesnt exist, bcos u broke the rule by giving the American 20mins. Which means there is no such rule. So either u give me 20mins, or I can stand here and scold u for the next 10 mins, and by then that would be 10mins as u told me, and u would have to deposit my luggage anyway by then. Now, its 5 mins I spent scolding u. U can endure the next 5 mins with this pissed off face of yours trying to ignore me, or u can make life better for the both of us, by depositing my luggage. Cos whether u like it or not, Im ASIAN. And I am a tourist with my rights, and I paid for the Pisa ticket which allows me to drop my luggage here. I will not subject myself to your ridiculous self-made rules for people that you dont like, like Asians." She got bloody pissed, snatched my ticket and deposited my luggage. I was rather afraid she'll tear my ticket and call security. But I feel god-damn proud, I got my way. They hate yellow pple, yellow foreigners, tourists. Some of these individualistic jerks think that they are superior to Asians. That Asians are so submissive idiots. Not this one. I spend 95% of the time, quarrelling, trying to find my way in a country that speaks no english, hours lost, cheated of money, accomodation and food money, and finally, I reached their famous Coloseum/Pisa Tower/Piazza. I get awed for a while, and then Im so tired and emotionally + mentally +physically drained, I spend the rest of my time looking at pictures of friends and family, which cheered me up more than the Coloseum/Pisa Tower/Piazza (which was just beside me, and I rather look at pictures of love ones). I met no great Italians in Italy. The best people I met while travelling, a Chinese girl, a Taiwanese women, an Argentinian man, 2 Americans, No Italians. Hence, Italy, best forgotten. I learnt the country in 2 weeks. I learn the people. I learnt experienced it, I experienced them. I had enough.
Today, I got the news, that Juling (a fellow SEP nus girl in oslo), got robbed in Hamburg. She was robbed of her whole handbag, including her passport. Which means, she's might get deported back to Sg. I sent a mail to Heather telling her to becareful, since she travels alone as well. Having travelled alone, I fully know how it feels to travel alone. Not good. She replied that her friend got robbed in Stockholm. And Hamburg and Stockholm are suppose to be safe cities. It just made my idea of travelling alone, worse.
I was never fond of beer in Sg. But here, i feel so dry and empty, beer actually tastes so good to me. I believe there's an emotional component to it. I wasnt really aware of it myself. I wake up everyday, function the same. No emotional breakdown or mental distortion. In fact, on the surface, I looked like Im doing extremely well. Travelling, hosting parties, eating well. Until today, I realised the first 3 months abroad, I did not like beer. It started in Italy where I loved the wine. Wine rejuvenated me. Brought comfort to my soul. Now I like the left over beer of my party. And then I started to think, and I realised, Im dying inside. Im running low & out. I really really really only, want to be home, comforted, rested.
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