For the first time in my whole SEP. Im beginning to question whether its all worth it.
I see my friends doing SEP in other places, having uglier pictures, but more fun with friends. I know for sure, my beautiful pictures do not entirely reflect my joy. Travelling alone is tough job.
This question came into my mind, when alfred talked to me.
tesuvah says:
but I alone, so quite scared la
tesuvah says:
kena rob is shit man
Alfred the Great says:
u slept alone in a cave... u sibei dare

Alfred the Great says:
siao u slept alone at the beach?
tesuvah says:
ya
Alfred the Great says:
sibei dare

tesuvah says:
pisa airport
tesuvah says:
i sleep outside the airport
tesuvah says:
sibei scared
Alfred the Great says:
alone?
tesuvah says:
ya
Alfred the Great says:
u r the authetic globe trotter
tesuvah says:
no lah
Alfred the Great says:
true blue lonely planeteer

tesuvah says:
but for once, Im grateful that tiongs are all over the world
tesuvah says:
u know ah, in Milan, NO ONE speaks english
Alfred the Great says:
thats serious shit

tesuvah says:
anw ah
tesuvah says:
i learn from u one
tesuvah says:
from ur blog
tesuvah says:
inspiration
tesuvah says:
im not the true blue lonely planet globe trekker
tesuvah says:
I read ur China adventure
tesuvah says:
tot u kam zai
Alfred the Great says:
no loh
Alfred the Great says:
this time u surpass me alr
Alfred the Great says:
you chiong to arctic... and slept in a cave

Hence, for once, I realise. Im kinda crazy. Bcos even the globetrekket that I know, aka my buddy Alfred Lau Yong Fu, who travelled alone in China, thinks I am crazy. Hence, I must really really been crazy.

And,
a 2nd friend..

tesuvah says:
and travelling alone is tough job
[i]xiuqing: The core of the human spirit, comes from new experiences. says:
ja
[i]xiuqing: The core of the human spirit, comes from new experiences. says:
definitely
[i]xiuqing: The core of the human spirit, comes from new experiences. says:
dun so hard core
[i]xiuqing: The core of the human spirit, comes from new experiences. says:
if not there wont be joy in it anymore

Plus, after Italy, I feel that Im completely dead. I mean, my spirit is dead. If you know what I mean. Its hard to describe. There's nothing to do, nothing to look forward to, and just, u can feel it STARING at you. This EMPTINESS in your heart. It stares at you. I wonder how it would be like, if I walk out of my door, and a Singaporean SEP student greets me. I wonder. I wonder.

But, I made the decision not to join the 4 Sg girls. It was a crazy decision met with disapproval from my family and friends.
But. Is it worth it?
I saved a whole lot of money compared to them. I hate a greater adventure, but less joyful one.
And the orignial reason why I didnt join them, was bcos, I really really really REALLY did not like them.
I guess, preparty in NUS did not help to bond me with them, rather, made it worse.

So, now that I am completely drained, waking up to emptiness and ending my day with emptiness, I wonder. Completely spiritually and emotionally drained.


My consolation is. That I plan my summer trip round Europe, to stay with friends who are already living there. Even if they dont tour with me, at least, I have a shelther to go home to at the end of the day, with them.

Hopefully, I pray.
Copenhagen with Peter - the authentic native Copenhagen guy.
London with Heather Chi - Nus wonder girl.
Munich with Xiuqing - jc favourite junior.
Barcelona with Nerea - native Barcelona girl.
Switzerland with Sandra - native Swiss girl
Helsinki with Anna - native Finnish girl
Prague with Ludek - native Czech guy.
Amsterdam - alone.
Paris - alone.
Scotland - alone.

Each time I type alone, my heart cringes. No joke, literally. I never realise, how much damage it had taken. Sorry heart. It used to feel good and proud at the challenge to travelling alone. After Italy, it cringes. I have never felt it this way before.

I need someone to pull me along. I really cant anymore.
As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I could legitimately boast that I survived Italy alone. I did not.
With all honestly, Italy, you son of a bitch, you killed me. My spirit died in Italy. Halfway thru Italy, and all I can think of is going back.
19 days in the arctic and all I want is to stay longer.
First day, first night in Italy and all I want is to go home.
And I endure 16 days with that thought.
Yes, Italy, you killed me. My spirit died there.

One of the phenomenon is that.. I cant speak the proper English anymore. Ludek came over, and I cannot make myself talk in another accent. I just speak in Singlish, until halfway, I realise he probably doesnt understand.. Sigh. I just want to talk like this.

I cant study, no motivation to study (Im so screwed for wednesday exam). I spend my time watching Anime. No mood to blog what I am suppose to blog, which is my travel diary. No mood to plan for UK trip (Im so screwed, im leaving this sat).

And all I want is to sleep.

And I dont even want to worship God.

Have mercy on me. I did my best in all that I do. I just dont have it in me anymore.